| Author | Message | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2798 Registered: 07-2002 |
2nd Revision: After the Levee is Breached Only the lightest puff of air stirs pennants along the dock. Telltales hang from luffing sails. In the stillness, bees stagger between the open throats of thirsty orchids. When wind and full moon forced the bay to rise, it scoured the eastern shore. This time, the great tidal surge gathered elsewhere. Camera crews rush to film other places more prosperous, newly drowned. Watermen haul their catch by hand, chant a guilty mantra--Hugo, Andrew, Isabel; new storms spin elsewhere. Tonight a front gathers force; it rends high, thin clouds. Stars pour through the rift like water. REVISION: After the Levee is Breached Only the lightest puff of air stirs pennants along the dock. Telltales hang from luffing sails. In the stillness, bees collect nectar from the open throats of thirsty flowers. This time, the great tidal surge has gathered elsewhere. Wind once forced Swan Creek to overflow its banks and scour this peninsula. Camera crews filmed other places more prosperous than here where watermen still haul their catch by hand in wooden boats. Seasons turn; new storms spin elsewhere. Tonight a front gathers force; it rends these high, thin clouds. Stars pour through the rift like water. ORIGINAL: After the Levy is Breached Only the lightest puff of air stirs pennants along the dock. Telltales hang from luffing sails. In the stillness, bees collect nectar from the open throats of thirsty flowers. This time, the great tidal surge has gathered elsewhere. Wind once forced Swan Creek across its banks to scour this peninsula. Camera crews filmed other places more prosperous than here where watermen still haul their catch by hand. The season turns; new storms spin elsewhere. Tonight a front will rend these high, thin clouds until stars pour through like water. ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| steve
Moderator Username: twobyfour Post Number: 125 Registered: 05-2005 |
hi lisa this could be an excellen blank verse sonnet, most of your lines are 9 syllables, a few 8, then 6 and 7 for the final couplet. wouldn't take much to put in 10 each. or even 9. i had a problem in s3, more prosperous than here where watermen still haul their catch by hand. the pronoun 'this' is confusing as to where it refers, do you mean this to be the other place, or here at swan creek? also, 'season turns' borders on cliche. great break on 'throats' and i do like the ending very much. a topical and thoughtful piece, thx s | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2818 Registered: 07-2002 |
Steve, Yes--I intended this to be a non-rhyming sonnet. This is about revision 6. Sigh. Still more work to do to complete the form. I will keep tinkering with this. The problem with form, even loose form, is the challenge to make each linebreak and the rhythm and feel of each line work on its own merits AND fit the form. The end of s2 to s3 the 'this' is meant to be the peninsula where Swan Creek flooded. I'll have to consider the 'season turns' phrase. My cliche-o-meter didn't clang, but then again, that's why we look for outside crit.  Thanks for liking that ending couplet. That one was a gift--didn't know it was going to end there, but the words just seemed right. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| "A-Bear"
Moderator Username: dane Post Number: 1319 Registered: 11-1998 |
Lisa --levee, NOT levy. D | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2821 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dane, D'oh! That's what comes from being a northeasterner! Thanks for the correction. ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Christopher T George
Advanced Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2202 Registered: 12-2004 |
Yes, Dane is correct, "levee" rhymes with Chevy... check the song by Don McLean. A few tweaks below... "The seasons turn" might be better than "The season turns" etc. In all, an attractive and interesting statement, Lisa. Chris *********** After the Levee is Breached The lightest puff of air stirs pennants along the dock. Telltales hang from luffing sails. In the stillness, bees collect nectar from the open throats of thirsty flowers. This time, the great tidal surge has gathered elsewhere. Wind once forced Swan Creek across its banks to scour this peninsula. Camera crews filmed other places more prosperous than here where watermen still haul their catch by hand. The seasons turn; new storms spin elsewhere. Tonight a front will rend these high, thin clouds until stars pour through like water. Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2827 Registered: 07-2002 |
Thanks Chris, for your comments. I've edited above the original, tweaking a bit to have most of the lines contain 5 stresses in accordance with a blank verse sonnet. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Don Schaeffer
Advanced Member Username: don_schaeffer Post Number: 100 Registered: 12-2003 |
Sorry I missed this one before. I think the revision is excellent. You have picked a difficult subject that you don't own and made your own out of it. Congratulations! --Don | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2843 Registered: 07-2002 |
Thanks, Don. Much obliged. ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2861 Registered: 07-2002 |
Revision question--When I revised this, I added several phrases to ensure each line has (with one or two exceptions) 5 stresses. Do the additions work to enhance the poem or is this a case where the form is too confining? thanks, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5223 Registered: 11-1998 |
A very accomplished piece of writing, Lisa. Here are my suggestions on where I think the piece would use a bit more strength: Only the lightest puff of air stirs {Great first line -- really sets the mood.} pennants along the dock. Telltales hang from luffing sails. In the stillness, bees collect nectar from the open throats {I see many bees in poems these days. If you are going to stay with the bees, I would think of a more unusual way to say what you've said here. "bees / collect nectar from the open throats / of thirsty flowers" -- Hmmmm, there is a more unsual and innovative way to say this than you've got here. At least you know what you want to say. Now, think of a less cliche way to say it.} of thirsty flowers. This time, the great tidal surge has gathered elsewhere. Wind once forced Swan Creek to overflow its banks(,) [and] scour this peninsula. Camera crews film[ed] other places more prosperous [than here] where watermen still haul their catch by hand in wooden boats. Seasons turn; {again, another cliche. "Seasons turn" -- How else can this be expressed?} new storms spin elsewhere. Tonight a front gathers force; it rends [these] high, thin clouds. Stars pour through the rift like water. {I absolutely love this last line. Good job!!} I hope the things I've pointed to will convince you these are weak spots that still need some work. As it stands, it's a very accomplished piece of work that an editor would probably accept. However, work on those weak spots and then you approach greatness! Love, M | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2899 Registered: 07-2002 |
Thank you M! This is *very* helpful. So hard to see your own work clearly. I'll be tinkering with this and will post the revision at some point. You're the best! ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2909 Registered: 07-2002 |
Better? Worse? xo ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| M
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5245 Registered: 11-1998 |
It's a wrap!  Bag it and send it to Stirring. Please Love, M | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2912 Registered: 07-2002 |
Dear M, Thank you so very much for your help with this one. I'm glad you don't let me get away with the easy lines. I'll get a few together for Stirring in the next week or so. xo ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Jim Doss
Senior Member Username: jimdoss Post Number: 1884 Registered: 12-2003 |
Lisa, I'm late to the party, but it looks like you have this one all but wrapped up. Jim My books are available at http://www.lulu.com/jimdoss. Visit Loch Raven Review at http://www.lochravenreview.com. | ||
| Domagoj Stic
New member Username: poeticus Post Number: 2 Registered: 06-2005 |
The lightest puff of air stirs pennants along the dock. The meaning of this part is similar to when a poet says that even his small drop helps to weave the waterfall. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2918 Registered: 07-2002 |
Thank you Jim and Domagoj for stopping in on this piece. ljc the obsessive reviser http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 4843 Registered: 07-2001 |
Only the lightest puff of air stirs pennants along the dock. Telltales hang from luffing sails. In the stillness, bees stagger between the open throats of thirsty ( I question thristy, given the amount of rain that fell)(of course it is a metaphor) orchids. When wind and full moon forced the bay to rise, it scoured the eastern shore. This time, the great tidal surge gathered elsewhere. Camera crews rush to film (this S is prosey esp with This time, etc) other places more prosperous, newly drowned. Watermen haul their catch by hand, chant a guilty mantra--Hugo, Andrew, Isabel; new storms spin elsewhere. Tonight a front gathers force; it rends high, thin clouds. Stars pour through the rift like water. Good finish, but given the horrid nature of this disaster, is it tough enough? Good luck. Gary The new, August FireWeed is ready for you to read. Go in through http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ to get to the issue in a click or two. | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 2920 Registered: 07-2002 |
Gary--the thirsty is the contrast--I was on the eastern shore of the chesapeake bay when Katrina struck. I was trying to draw the contrast between the past hurricane (Isabel struck them 2 years ago) and this one. Thank you for your crit, my friend. Don't see you near enough in biofeedback. ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ |
